Saturday, January 13, 2007
3 a.m. last night. I wake to an awareness that my body feels flushed from head to toe. It’s like I’m sitting in the intense Hawaii sun, minus the beautiful ocean, swaying palm trees and sweet breezes. There’s no shade; I can’t escape this unbearable heat. I’m vaguely nauseated.
What’s worse is that I’m feeling incredibly anxious. Heart’s pounding. Shaking inside. This feeling gives new meaning to the word jittery.
Immediately my brain tries to make sense of the experience. What is this about? I know, I’m worried about my family! That must be it!
My brain is off and running, one worry about family quickly compounding another. The anxious sensations worsen and become alarming….all the signs now suggest that I’m in for an early waking worry-fest that will extend until dawn. Not good.
But wait. I’m the thinker of my thoughts and I don’t like where this particular train is taking me. Let go of the worrying. Seek a quieter mind. Go to that sweet place of more peaceful awareness. Take a deep breath. Rest. Wait some more.
A quiet new thought appears. What if these body sensations are JUST a hot flash? A HOT FLASH? Certainly possible. I’m 53 and quite obviously speeding toward menopause, but to this point I’ve been pretty free of the hot flashes and night sweats my age-mate women friends laugh and lament about. Hmmm…a hot flash.
Suddenly, I’m curious. What is this like? Well, like every pore is on fire, including the roots of my hair, even though no flames are visible. It occurs to me….my BODY is jittery, but I now am not. My spirit, my essence is rather quiet and calm, simply observing what is happening in my body.
I leave the warmth of my heated waterbed and head downstairs for the cool of my lazy-boy chair.
My husband jokes that my Native American name would be “Princess Woosie With Cold”, PWWC for short.
This name came to him after I repeatedly stated that it doesn’t completely suit me that on winter nights he wants to open the windows, turn on the ceiling fan, turn off the water bed heater AND turn the house heat down to 65. He would be surprised to see me at this moment, seeking, inhaling, embracing the cool Arctic air of our home.
Once in the chair, cooler, I continue to just watch the experience of this hot flash unfold from a more impersonal, neutral perspective. I remember thinking, “what an interesting thing it is to be in a human body.” That is the last thought I remember before sliding into a peaceful sleep. I awaken several hours later, freezing, and return to bed, grateful to slip back in next to the warmth of my beloved’s body.
Funny isn’t it? Detaching from a train of thought that was hell bent on taking me on an exhausting, nerve-wracking journey opened the door to a new understanding. Curious too, that from a quieter mind I accessed a more philosophical perspective that seemed to change the experience of my symptoms.
Gives concrete meaning to the Buddha’s comment, “we are what we think, with our thoughts we create the world.”
Posted by Linda Sandel Pettit on 01/13 at 12:58 PM in |
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